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Жертва изнасилования борется с депрессией полуголыми снимками

Фото: instagram.com/suziethesurvivor

Пережившая в детстве несколько изнасилований американка выкладывает в социальные сети откровенные бодипозитивные селфи, чтобы бороться с депрессией. Свою историю она рассказала изданию The Mirror.

По словам 25-летней Сьюзи Лэрсон (Suzie Larson), в 13 лет к ней впервые попытался пристать один из членов ее семьи. В течение следующих трех лет

ее изнасиловали три разных мужчины, из-за чего у нее развились депрессия и анорексия. В какой-то момент у девушки еще и начали сильно выпадать волосы, крошиться зубы и постоянно болеть голова.

«Многие годы у меня были ужасные отношения с собственным телом, я воспринимала его как врага», — рассказывает Лэрсон.

Она говорит, что только в прошлом году начала нормально питаться, научилась улыбаться и искренне хвалить себя. Во многом ей помог муж, с которым они обручились в 2014 году.

Лэрсон уверяет, что как только рассказала семье и друзьям о случившемся, ей стало гораздо легче.

Теперь она публикует в своих социальных сетях откровенные бодипозитивные фотографии, что помогает ей окончательно принять и полюбить свое тело и одолеть депрессию.

«Когда я показываю свое тело в одежде или нагим, я освобождаюсь от стыда и боли», — объясняет девушка. Американка уверена, что женщинам стоит любить свое тело, каким бы оно ни было, поэтому сама не стесняется демонстрировать недостатки своей фигуры и советует другим также не переживать по этому поводу.

I’ve stripped my own flesh away, revealing a bloody wound, just so I could watch myself bleed. It used to be a habit of mine. To inflict pain on my body. To expose my nerve endings over and over again. Sometimes I’d do it daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes multiple times in the same hour. I’ve been addicted to self-harming. To being in control over my own pain. It was a warped way of coping with abuse. They could hurt me. I was being hurt outside of my control. But with my own self-harm, I became the abuser, and there was a certain power in it. A power I was *never* granted. So I gave that small token to myself. It felt good. It helped. I leaned into it. However, that abuse ended, and my little habit stayed. Deeply rooted at this point and firmly behind closed doors. Once I began recovery from my ED, and I began therapy, I found out the name for making yourself bleed: self-harm. It was a faulty coping mechanism. Something that would prevent rather than present happiness. So I’ve slowly walked the road of recovery. Getting clean from an addiction, even if it just cutting, is hard. I failed many, many times. Relapsing. Giving up. Getting angry. Now I still struggle in moments of vulnerability, or when I feel my control of a situation slipping. I have the urge to bleed. But I know there are better ways for me to handle my anxiety. I know I deserve better than to harm my body. I remind myself I’m not where I used to be. That I can dig into support if I need it. That I can ask for help if I’m feeling unsteady. The openness with which I strive to live is the opposite of my cutting days. I’m not ashamed of the me who did those things because I know she did her best. I just know I don’t have to be that girl anymore. If you are in recovery from any kind of addiction, please reach out to those who are supportive and whom you can trust, during the beginning of this new year, especially if you are feeling particularly vulnerable. If you have a history of alcoholism, try sparkling cider or grape juice at midnight as a safe alternative (it is what I do.) Remember you don’t have to have wild plans just because it is New Year’s Eve. Just focus on YOU.💚🌱

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I am tender with my body because it allows me to ground myself in the present. It forces me to recognize that I am my own being, not someone else’s. During the past few days, over the Christmas holiday, I found out about something very triggering to me. Someone who had sexually assaulted me had been caught sexually assaulting someone else. Both were people I knew, and it tore my heart out to think of her being alone and defenseless, with nowhere to go. Trapped out there with him. They were on an isolated trip together, like so many of my assaults occurred, and I just shivered, and felt completely claustrophobic, like I couldn’t breathe. She did what I couldn’t. She went to someone. Right away and the authorities were contacted. I was just awash with horror, having to face down my own years of memories. Ugly and black. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t be in the same room with him. Not again. Not this time. It was too soon. I was utterly disgusted as I convulsed at the thought of all the young girls he’d done this to. He’s a sex offender now. He’s so close to prison and I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to have compassion or empathy or forgiveness towards someone who preys on children, who preys on their own family. I only hope it doesn’t traumatize her. That she is constantly supported and reminded of how strong and worthy she is. As for me, I’m trying my best. I’ve been a ball of nerves. As I recently came out to his parents about his sexual deviancy and my own abuse. He destroyed my ability to care for myself and my own body. He caused me to think I was tainted and that I was spiritually sinful and shameful. He was the root of my depression from a young age, prior to my sexual assault in the workplace. Now I can only tell myself what I know of her. We were victims. We didn’t ask for what was put on us. We are not dirty and I am not incapable of divinity. We were and are vibrant young women who belong to ourselves, who create magic with our fingertips, and have the potential to live fully, wholly, and love without reserve. We deserve respect. We always have. We deserve better than sexual violence and toxic masculinity. I will always advocate for that.

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Heavy topic ahead. Incest. Incest was my introduction to sexual abuse. My first cousin began to comment on my body from an early age. At first it was light. Ignorable. Things like sexy or hot. Things you DON’T want your male relatives referring to you as, but can get over. Then he got deeper into his already spiraling porn addiction. He wanted to test his boundaries. My boundaries. Saying I was bangable, telling me how much he enjoyed the underwear I was wearing, painstakingly attempting to grab my ass, staring directly at my chest. I went hot with shame, wondering what I’d done wrong, scrutinizing my outfits, because he always had something to comment about them. What I didn’t know then was, it wouldn’t matter what I did. He wouldn’t stop what he was doing. He would tell me what he masturbated to. That I made it onto his list. I felt sick to my stomach. I thought “This can’t be happening to me.” I would just stare at him blankly, because all of the hatred hadn’t accumulated yet. I was genuinely just humiliated and confused. I often asked why. I don’t know what caused him to attach to me in a sexually deviant manner, but he had to have something happen outside of our relationship as cousins. Maybe he was abused. It doesn’t make what he did excusable. He made my life a living hell for 5 years. It took me 5 years to tell someone. Even then, only the people closest to me knew. He hurt my self-esteem. He made me paranoid. He made me hate my body and blame it for his behavior. He tried to assault me and I swore I would scream and his parents and sister were in the house, so he let me go. I will never forget it, because my heart dropped, preparing to be raped. Now we live separate lives, intentionally. I stay as far away from him as possible. I wish I could say I felt safe, but with his history of violence and aggression, I am just hoping by avoiding him I can avoid an assault. It hurts me because I’ve hid it from my family. I’ve lived with it. I’ve swallowed my fear at family events. I’ve learned to live the double life of a victim and someone trying to preserve relationships. Now I just try to comfort myself with the phrase: you didn’t do anything wrong.🌱

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[Part 2/2] @sassy_latte made a great point, that false or forced positivity doesn’t benefit others, and I might be smiling in most of my photos, but that is because this is Instagram! I cry. I have SEVERE depression. There is a side to me that isn’t always rainbows and sunshine and ponies. I don’t talk about being chronically ill very often because it depresses me. I don’t talk about being disabled because it is very personal. My point is, it is okay to feel your negative emotions too. They have a place in your life right alongside the positive ones. Without processing our fear, anger, or sadness, we can’t expect ourselves to feel the fullness of our joy, excitement, and strength. Because you cannot participate in positivity if you numb yourself to negativity. You unwittingly numb yourself to both in your fear of negative emotions. So I want to take a few moments to welcome all emotions, but also to let you know that I hear your experiences, as survivors, as POC, as mental illness warriors, and so forth. I am grateful for your honesty because honesty is one of the greatest teachers. Your experiences are valid. Your emotions and your traumas matter. 🦋 . . . #emotionalhealing #emotionalhealth #feelyourfeelings #endthestigma #mentalhealthmatters #soulhealing #abusesurvivor #lifeafterabuse #rapesurvivor #reclaimingmybody #expressyourself #ptsdrecovery #selfharmrecovery #suicideprevention #spoonie #bekindtoyourbody #begentlewithyourself #kindnessmatters #honesty #safespace #depression #survivornotavictim #youmatter #yourvoicematters #upliftothers

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You are imperfect. You have flaws. You are real. You are raw. Your skin has been stripped of its armor and you are left to face your own vulnerability directly. You carry with you the baggage of your erroneous ways, the many times you chose to harm yourself. You have scars. From your own hands. From your illnesses. From life. You must decide now whether or not that is enough. You have the choice. You can continue to dig your nails into your skin in hatred. You can scream at yourself in the mirror. Angry at your body for being what it is: real. You'd rather have the vision. I get that. I've been there. The vision is everything you're not. It is also unrealistic and fraudulent, a lie you feed yourself to make the pain recede briefly. Or you can choose to abandon that lie. To set fire to the pyre of perfection. You can choose to accept the body you've been given, in all its wondrously normal glory. The stretch marks might be a part of the package, that is okay. They make you beautiful. Your body hair might pop up in places you deem inappropriate, that is okay too. You are not made in a manufactory. There is only the one. Therefore whatever you have on your body cannot be wrong unless YOU deem it so. Otherwise your body is simply doing what it was meant to do: be. You are enough whether you realize it or not. It would just be a sadder story if you never realized what you were truly capable of. I struggle with self-worth but I know I deserve to feel beautiful and worthy, even if my abuse and past trauma make me doubt myself at times. As I heal I catch myself choosing worthy over unworthy more and more often. If you were abused or are battling mental illnesses, know that you don't have to love yourself overnight. I sure didn't. Just remember your body still IS enough and you have the choice to fight for or against it. I fought mine for years. Don't fight your's. You deserve happiness, wholeness, and peace. 🦋 . . . #lifeafterabuse #abusesurvivor #selfharmrecovery #depression #edrecovery #edawareness #imperfectlyperfect #positivebeatsperfect #overcomingfears #bodyacceptance #bodydysmorphia

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[Part 1/2] Remember you are worth it. . You are worth recovery. . Whether you are recovering from an eating disorder, an addiction, an anxiety disorder, depression, or just difficult life circumstances. . There was a time in my life, a LOT of time, where I didn't believe I deserved to be happy, healthy, or safe. . I was stagnant. Glued in place. I was hurting, mentally, physically, spiritually. . I didn't know then, that if I'd simply asked for help, though asking is not always a simple task, I would have been granted it. . I got lucky. I reached out to a good friend who would become my husband. The first friend that didn't laugh uncomfortably when I talked about my abuse. . I got help by accident, but I thank the universe everyday for allowing that relationship to happen. What would become the gateway to my healing. . It took years of denial, tears, anger, hysteria, and later depression, obsessive-compulsion, PTSD, all laced with episodes of suicidality. I struggled with alcoholism, cutting, poisoning, and laxative-abuse. . My boyfriend helped me through it all, he never told a soul, neither did I, until we got married and my depression had gotten so severe I was suicidal everyday and felt like I'd never smile again. . I got help from my doctors for my drug abuse, and was monitored as I started a rocky recovery from an almost decade long struggle with anorexia. . I'm not telling you recovery is easy. That is a lie. Recovery is hell. You will hate it. You will want to go backwards. You might relapse a time or two before you realize you were actually miserable then too. . Because the truth is recovering hurts, but it is the good kind of hurt. Like when medicine tastes bad but you begin to feel stronger the longer you take it. Sometimes the right thing hurts. . . . #edrecovery #edawareness #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #ptsdrecovery #ptsdawareness #fightingdepression #depression #suicideprevention #selfharmrecovery #recoverywarrior #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #emotionalhealing #growth #hope #lifeafterabuse #abusesurvivor #reclaimingmybody #learningtolovemyself #selfworth #youmatter #keepgoing #loveyourbody #loveyourself #youdeservebetter

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[Part 2/2 Trigger Warning: Details About Anorexia] . I've had a surge of eating disordered thoughts and behaviors this week. I've tried to keep them contained by journaling about them and not engaging in self-harm but it has still been really stressful. . An old obsession associated with my disorder is planning out calories and meal-plans for the next month. I usually did this in the last week of every preceding month and would stick to that plan ritualistically because the change of a "new" month always made me uncomfortable. . I had anxiety today so I made one, but without counting calories because I don't allow myself to do that anymore. Afterwards though, I had to tell myself that the food on that plan was not nearly enough and it wasn't realistic to rigidly stick to a meal-plan monthly. . SO my eating disorder hates me for spilling the beans and also for openly admitting it isn't a good idea to follow the "great" plan we came up with, but that is okay. . Sometimes you have to act out an old ritual for anxiety's sake. I am not bashing myself for that. . My body needs me. I can't just abandon her because my ED is screaming insults at me nonstop. . My recovery is about more than good days and feeling pretty, its also the days where its the darkest and all I can do is get through without harming, and possibly without cursing myself for putting myself through this really, really difficult process. . I don't always have this, but when I don't, I will continue to have faith in myself until I do. 💚🌱 . . . #realrecovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #recoverywarrior #youmatter #youarenotalone #youarenotyourillness #youcandoit #youcandothis #edrecovery #edawareness #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #selfharmrecovery #fightingdepression #bodyimageissues #bodydysmorphia #bodyacceptance #lifeafterabuse #growth #emotionalhealing #trustyourself #struggling #itsokaytonotbeokay

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My mind tells my body it is not worthy. My mind is wrong. My body IS worthy of my: 💜love 💙acceptance 💜forgiveness 💙kindness 💜praise 💙protection 💜patience 💙devotion 💜and respect. My body deserves an advocate in me, not an enemy. For too long my body and I were separate parts pitted against one another by a disorder of the mind. Now I'm striving to heal that rift and patch that bond. Instead of it and I, there is only me. My ability to love begins with myself. 🦋 #edrecovery #edawareness #bodyimageissues #lovemybody #loveyourbody #bekindtoyourbody #selfacceptance #loveyourself #learningtolovemyself #selfworth #iamworthy #youareworthy #iamenough #youareenough #iambeautiful #youarebeautiful #allbodiesarebeautiful #mentalillness #anorexia #recoveryispossible #recoveryisworthit #emotionalhealing #healing #hope #growth #bepatientwithyourself #positivity #positiveaffirmations

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I hope you all have an enjoyable Easter weekend. My hubby is helping me deal with the after effects of treatment for my endometriosis. It isn't easy but it will hopefully get easier. It helps to have someone who is willing to hold my hand through it all. My body might go through some changes as my hormones fluctuate but I plan to honor and respect it no matter what those changes bring. I am just glad to have a body capable of living again. Anorexia does dangerous things to the mind and I hope to never return to it. As I grow stronger each month, I remind myself I am fighting not only for me, but for every woman who has ever struggled to accept her body as it is. Our flaws are beautiful. Our size has nothing to do with our beauty. We are enough. Right now. As we are. Today. In this moment. 🦋 #edrecovery #edawareness #bodyimageissues #bodypositive #positivity #mentalillness #hope #healing #myjourney #learningtolovemyself #loveyourbody #bekindtoyourbody #flawsome #flawsandall #fatisbeautiful #youbelong #youarenotalone #fighter #fightingdepression #iambeautiful #iamenough #iamworthy #nomakeup #lovemyhusband #selflove #selfesteem #chronicpain #chronicillness #endometriosis

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Squish alert! No big caption needed. Just me, reminding myself it is okay to have body fat because guess what? Body fat is absolutely VITAL to human life! I was dying because of my lack of body fat! So I am proud of that squish, ladies. So send your squish a little extra love too. Because in a world where fat is demonized, loving our beautiful body fat is radical. It is a statement. It is a voice. Your voice. My voice. Our voices. Choosing to love ourselves. Choosing to matter. Choosing to take up space. Choosing to be heard. 🦋 #selflove #selfcare #selfesteem #selfconfidence #selfharmrecovery #edrecovery #iamenough #iamworthy #iambeautiful #allsizesmatter #allsizesarebeautiful #strongwomen #hope #healing #myjourney #fatisbeautiful #fatisnotaninsult #fatisnotabadword #fatisnottheenemy #loveyourself #bekindtoyourbody #takingupspace #embracethesquish #tummylove #bellylove #bellyrolls #positivity #nomakeup

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My little sister is a huge motivator for me. She is twenty years younger than me and she mimics my every movement. One day she took my hands and looked at them, scrunching her eyebrows together, asking how I got hurt. I had cut myself earlier in the week and didn't think anyone would notice. Before I knew it, she had a handful of Hello Kitty bandaids, ready to nurse me back to life. She doesn't know I've struggled with an eating disorder. I will tell her one day, when she's older. Right now, I have to get stronger not only for myself, but for her. She is my sister and she has my heart in her hand. I couldn't bear the thought of her hating her beautiful little body because of the narrow-minded societal standards of what is or is not "acceptable." No child should ever have to feel like their body is the enemy. That their body is unwanted. These things start with us. We are the influences and examples for our children. I will gladly show off my cellulite and my stretch marks because there is nothing shameful about having either! My wedding anniversary will be coming up in just a couple months, along with my twenty-fifth birthday, and warm weather. I can't wait to celebrate them all. ✨🌱#positivity #sisters #wedding #anniversary #healing #springishere #edrecovery #selfharm #selfharmrecovery #kindnessmatters #bekindtoyourbody #loveyourself #selflove #selfcare #lovemyhusband #forgiveyourflaws #flabulous #learningtolovemyself #children #childrenteachus #recovery #recoverywarrior #recoveryisworthit #keepgoing #youcandoit #nobodyshaming #notobodyshaming #allsizesmatter #allsizesarebeautiful

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